How to Support Someone with an Eating Disorder: Scripts for Caregivers
We’re entering a season of celebrations. In Singapore, particularly, the next few months bring a series of festivities — Christmas gatherings, Lunar New Year feasts, end-of-year meetups. For many, this is a joyful time. But for individuals navigating an eating disorder, and for the caregivers who support them, this season can quietly become one of the most stressful stretches of the year.
Supporting someone through an eating disorder is emotionally demanding even in ordinary times. Much of the work happens in the in-between spaces of daily life, and it rarely comes with recognition or clear guidance. If you’re caring for someone who is struggling, this guide is meant to offer clarity, grounding, and companionship along the way.
An darkened image of a child being held whilst in distress.
Why Caregiving for Eating Disorders Feels So Overwhelming
Eating disorders don’t just affect the person experiencing them. They reverberate through partners, siblings, parents, friends, and housemates. Many caregivers describe a daily emotional tension that is difficult to put into words.
Common sentiments include:
“I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells.”
“I’m terrified of saying the wrong thing.”
“Mealtimes feel like battles I never signed up for.”
“I miss the person they used to be.”
“I’m exhausted, but feel guilty resting.”
These feelings do not mean you’re failing. Eating disorders are complex mental health conditions. The behaviours you see — avoidance, irritability, shutdowns, rigidity around food — are not stubbornness or defiance. They are attempts to manage overwhelming fear, shame, or internal conflict.
And yet, it is still exhausting.
It is still frustrating.
It is still emotionally taxing
Not because of a flaw in you or them, but because this is the nature of the condition.
Naming this can be the first step toward relief and compassion.
What’s Really Going On Beneath Eating Disorder Behaviours
Eating disorders serve a function. They are not choices, and they are not behaviours designed to test you. They are coping strategies that have become deeply entrenched.
Restriction may create a sense of control when life feels unpredictable.
Food rituals can temporarily reduce anxiety or guilt.
Social withdrawal protects against feeling judged or seen.
Irritability often reflects hunger, fear, or internal pressure rather than anger at you.
During moments of food refusal, distress around meals, or struggles with purging, remember:
You are not meant to single-handedly fix or solve these difficulties.
Your role is to support them. It is not to override, persuade, or fight the eating disorder alone.
Common Caregiver Struggles and Scripts That Help
Below are real-world scenarios drawn from anonymised lived experiences, paired with grounded, practical responses.
Irritability and Emotional Withdrawal
What you might notice:
Short tempers, snapping, withdrawing from conversations, avoiding activities they once enjoyed.
Why it happens:
Hunger, fear, and constant mental rumination drain emotional resources and reduce how much they can tolerate.
Supportive responses:
“I can see today feels heavy. I’m here if you’d like some quiet company.”
“We don’t have to talk. We can just sit.”
“I’m nearby if you need anything.”
“Can I hold your hand?”
Avoid:
“You’re being rude.”
“Why are you like this?”
Shame typically makes withdrawal worse.
Mealtime Anxiety and Choice Paralysis
What you might notice:
Staring at menus, freezing up, panic, quiet tears, irritability around food choices, switching between options repeatedly.
Why it happens:
Eating disorders turn simple decisions into moral dilemmas:
“What if this is too much?”
“What if I lose control?”
“What if this ruins everything?”
What helps:
Reduce choices to 2–3 options.
Offer a manageable portion.
Sit beside them, not across the table.
Keep tones neutral and steady.
Hold their hand, offer physical comfort.
Scripts:
“Would Option A or Option B feel more doable today?”
“Let’s take this one step at a time.”
“If it helps, I’ll take the first bite with you.”
Food Rituals and ‘Quirky’ Eating Behaviours
What you might notice:
Cutting food into tiny pieces, rearranging items on the plate, eating very slowly, avoiding mixed dishes, strict patterns or sequences.
Why it happens:
Rituals temporarily reduce anxiety and create a sense of safety.
Supportive responses:
“I can see this feels tough. How can I support you through this part of the meal?”
“Let’s take the next bite together.”
Avoid:
Jokes or comments about the behaviour being strange
Abruptly trying to stop rituals
Gentle pacing supports regulation better than policing.
Encouraging Them to Stay in Treatment (Without Pressure)
Motivation fluctuates. This is a normal part of recovery. What feels possible today may feel impossible tomorrow.
A useful approach is the Validate → Contain → Support sequence.
Example:
Validate: “It makes sense you're scared about going today.”
Contain: “Bad days don’t erase the progress you’ve made.”
Support: “Would it help if I walk with you or plan something grounding afterwards?”
Avoid:
“You have to go.”
“You were doing so well!”
Pressure often amplifies shame and retreat.
Helping Them See Their Non-ED Traits Again
When someone is in the thick of an eating disorder, their sense of identity can shrink around symptoms. They may feel as though they are the disorder.
Your role is to widen the lens again.
Try saying:
“You’re so funny — that made me laugh.”
“I saw how hard you tried today. I really appreciate your effort.”
“That’s such an interesting perspective. I hadn’t thought of it that way.”
These moments help strengthen the parts of them that will carry recovery forward.
When to Seek Professional Support
Seek help if you observe:
Rapid or significant weight loss
Dizziness, fainting, or medical concerns
Persistent food refusal
Excessive or compulsive exercise
Intense guilt or distress around food
Significant impact on school, work, or relationships
Emotional dysregulation or self-harm risk
If you’re unsure, earlier support is always better.
Ardelle Psychology supports teens, adults, and the caregivers who walk alongside them. You don’t have to navigate this alone.
A Closing Note to the Caregiver
Supporting someone with an eating disorder asks a lot. It takes patience, steadiness, and the ability to stay connected even when things feel fragile. You do not need to do it perfectly.
Your feelings matter.
Your limits matter.
Your wellbeing matters.
You deserve support too.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ):
Q1: What can I say to support someone with an eating disorder?
This article includes simple scripts such as, “I can see today feels heavy. I’m here with you,” and “Would Option A or B feel more doable?” Scripts help caregivers respond calmly during mealtimes, withdrawal, and moments of distress.
Q2: How do I support someone during mealtime anxiety or choice paralysis?
Try reducing choices, sitting beside them, and offering co-eating. Scripts like “Let’s take this one step at a time” or “I’ll take the first bite with you” can help ease heightened anxiety.
Q3: What should I avoid saying to someone with an eating disorder?
Avoid comments about weight or appearance and avoid pressure statements like “Just eat.” This guide offers alternative scripts that validate emotions and encourage safety without shame.
Q4: How do I gently encourage treatment without making them feel pressured?
Use a Validate → Contain → Support approach. Example: “It makes sense you’re scared about going,” followed by, “Bad days don’t erase progress,” and “Would it help if I walk with you?”
Q5: How can caregivers reduce burnout while offering emotional support?
Scripts can help reduce conflict and emotional exhaustion. Caregivers also benefit from boundaries, breaks, external support, and acknowledging that recovery cannot be carried by one person alone.