How to Survive Lunar New Year 2026: A Bicultural Guide to Boundaries
A multi-generational Asian family sitting together in a living room during Lunar New Year, illustrating the bicultural dynamics and relational boundaries discussed in Face Negotiation Theory
Lunar New Year falls on 17 February 2026, marking the Year of the Horse. For many people, the weeks leading up to it involve something that rarely makes it into the festive guides: mentally rehearsing how to answer questions you didn't ask for.
How much are you earning now? When are you getting married? Wah, you gained weight ah!
You can love your family and still feel apprehensive about seeing them. These two things are not in conflict. If your brain has been churning at the background, preparing responses in the shower or the car ride over, you're not being dramatic. You're navigating a real tension.
Research consistently shows that family gatherings are among the most commonly reported sources of interpersonal stress across cultures. While large-scale studies on Lunar New Year-specific stress remain limited, the pressure to perform, to answer, and to absorb commentary about your life choices during festive periods is a well-documented experience, particularly in cultures where family involvement in individual decisions is the norm, not the exception.
This post is for anyone who wants to show up for their family this Lunar New Year without abandoning themselves in the process.
The Bicultural Bind: Why It’s So Hard to Say "No"
If you grew up in an Asian family within a more Westernised environment, you are familiar with living between two cultural worlds. This involves navigating a tension between two cultures with, at times, opposing values. On one side: values of filial respect, family harmony, and togetherness. On the other: a growing awareness of your own needs, limits, and right to emotional safety.
"This is the friction between two different ways of being: The Independent Self and The Interdependent Self."
In many Asian cultures, the interdependent self isn't just a preference — it's the foundation of how love and duty are expressed (Markus & Kitayama, 1991).
More recent neuroscience research has shown that this isn't merely a cultural preference. Neurologically, this way of seeing ourselves shapes how our brain processes emotion. Kraus and Kitayama (2019) found that Asian Americans with a stronger interdependent self-construal were more effective at suppressing emotional responses to distressing stimuli, suggesting that years of navigating relational harmony literally train the nervous system to manage emotions in relationally attuned ways.
This means that when you try to set a boundary it can feel like you're rejecting the relationship itself. That guilt can feel like you are doing something wrong, even though what you are trying to do is navigate between two entirely valid ways of understanding closeness.
Research on Bicultural Identity Integration by Verónica Benet-Martínez and colleagues found that bicultural individuals who perceive their two cultural identities as being in conflict tend to experience greater acculturation stress and lower psychological wellbeing. Importantly, this isn't about choosing one culture over another. It's about integration — finding ways to hold both without losing yourself (Benet-Martínez & Haritatos, 2005). A 2024 study of Chinese bicultural individuals confirmed and extended this finding: Wu and colleagues found that cultural harmony (the sense that your two cultural identities coexist without conflict) was the strongest predictor of wellbeing. In other words, it isn't biculturalism itself that creates distress. Rather, it is the felt sense that your two worlds are incompatible (Wu et al., 2024).
This is the bicultural bind.
Face Negotiation: A Relational Approach to Boundaries
Moving between two cultures requires us to understand how both work. Most Western advice on boundaries sounds something like: "Be direct. State your needs clearly. Say no and don't explain." These scripts are rooted in an independent self-construal, which follows the assumption that your primary obligation is to yourself. That approach can work well in some contexts, but in collectivist family settings, it can feel culturally tone-deaf and relationally expensive. It can cause a scene and hurt feelings.
An alternative framework worth looking into is Face Negotiation Theory, developed by communication scholar Stella Ting-Toomey. Her research, spanning decades and multiple cultures, found that in collectivist cultures, people tend to prioritise mutual face over individual self-expression. Mutual face is the shared social image of the relationship. Conflict is managed not through direct confrontation but through strategies that preserve dignity for everyone involved (Ting-Toomey, 1988; Ting-Toomey, 2017).
Prioritising mutual face isn't about being passive. It is a sophisticated, relationally intelligent strategy. This manner of communication tends to be driven by compassion and relational attunement, rather than a lack of assertiveness. In a cross-cultural empirical study involving participants from China, Germany, Japan, and the United States, Oetzel and Ting-Toomey (2003) found that members of collectivist cultures showed greater concern for the other person's face during conflict and were more likely to use avoidance and integrative strategies to protect the relationship. A subsequent US–China study found that emotion plays a central role in this process: Chinese participants reported greater compassion during interpersonal conflict with close others, and this compassion was associated with more other-face concern and integrative conflict behaviours. The researchers concluded that collectivist facework is driven not by passivity but by relational attunement (Zhang, Ting-Toomey & Oetzel, 2014).
In practice, this means you don't have to choose between being honest and being respectful. You can protect your own face and your relative's face at the same time. The key is choosing the right strategy for the situation.
Three Strategies for Lunar New Year Gatherings
1. The Redirect
When an intrusive question comes your way, you don't have to answer it. You can acknowledge the person without engaging with the content of the question.
What it sounds like:
"Aiya, let's not talk about work today — tell me about your trip to Malaysia!"
"Still figuring it out, Uncle. How's Auntie's knee doing?"
Why it works: Redirecting honours the social exchange. Instead of shutting the person down, you're steering the conversation toward something you're both comfortable with. It signals "I hear you, and I'm choosing not to go there" without creating relational rupture. In face negotiation terms, this preserves both your face and theirs.
2. The Soft Boundary with Warmth
Sometimes the question hits closer to home. Body comments, relationship pressure, career comparisons. For these, a slightly firmer response that is delivered with warmth can be effective.
What it sounds like:
"I know you're asking because you care. I'm doing okay — just taking things one step at a time."
"Wah, you gained weight ah!" → "Eating well, Auntie! CNY food too good. You want more bak kwa?"
Why it works: This strategy pairs a brief, non-defensive acknowledgment with a subtle redirection. Adding warmth (humour, a smile, a compliment back) makes the boundary feel relational rather than adversarial. The person feels received, and you retain your sense of autonomy. Humour, in particular, works because it acknowledges the comment without escalating. It also signals mutual goodwill while quietly declining to engage further.
3. The Prepared One-Liner
If you know certain relatives are going to ask certain questions prepare a response in advance. Having a line ready means you don't have to think on the spot, which reduces the emotional load.
What it sounds like:
"No boyfriend yet? Aiya, it's 2026 already, Auntie — I'm very picky." [smile]
"When are you buying a house?" → "When the prices come down." [laughter]
Why it works: Preparation reduces the cognitive and emotional demand of in-the-moment navigation. Rather than suppressing your feelings, this manner of response is a way to strategically manage the situation proactively. It lets you stay present at the gathering instead of spending the whole time bracing for the next question.
What About the Ang Baos (Red Packets)?
The giving and receiving of ang baos is one of the most ritualised parts of Lunar New Year. It comes with its own set of pressures, from how much to give, to who to give to, to the silent comparisons that happen at the table.
A brief note: if the financial pressure of ang baos is causing you genuine stress, that's worth acknowledging privately, not performing through. You're allowed to set a budget and hold it.
When the Patterns Run Deeper
The strategies above are designed for the once-a-year dynamics that most of us navigate — the well-meaning relatives, the nosy questions, the social performance of family harmony during a short festive window.
But sometimes the difficulty isn't about Lunar New Year at all. Sometimes the gathering simply surfaces patterns that are present year-round: feeling unseen in your family, carrying unresolved tension from childhood, struggling to reconcile who you are with who your family expects you to be.
If you notice any of the following, it may be worth exploring these patterns further:
You dread family gatherings weeks in advance, and the dread affects your sleep, appetite, or mood
You find yourself emotionally shutting down during or after family events
You consistently feel guilt, shame, or anger that lingers long after the gathering ends
You struggle with boundaries not just at CNY, but in most family interactions throughout the year
You feel caught between two cultural identities and aren't sure how to hold both
These are common signs that the emotional work you're doing is labourous. You might benefit from a space where you can make sense of it.
At Ardelle Psychology, we work with individuals navigating exactly these tensions — perfectionism, cultural identity, family expectations, and the particular challenges of living between two worlds. You shouldn’t have to choose between being a 'good' family member and being your authentic self
Not sure where to start? Download our free guide: Finding the Right Therapist — a practical workbook for figuring out what kind of support suits you.
Ready to talk? Book a Discovery Call — available for clients in Singapore (in-person and telehealth) and Australia (telehealth).
References
Benet-Martínez, V., & Haritatos, J. (2005). Bicultural Identity Integration (BII): Components and psychosocial antecedents. Journal of Personality, 73(4), 1015–1049.
Kraus, B., & Kitayama, S. (2019). Interdependent self-construal predicts emotion suppression in Asian Americans: An electro-cortical investigation. Biological Psychology, 146, 107733.
Markus, H. R., & Kitayama, S. (1991). Culture and the self: Implications for cognition, emotion, and motivation. Psychological Review, 98(2), 224–253.
Oetzel, J. G., & Ting-Toomey, S. (2003). Face concerns in interpersonal conflict: A cross-cultural empirical test of the face-negotiation theory. Communication Research, 30(6), 599–624.
Ting-Toomey, S. (1988). Intercultural conflicts: A face-negotiation theory. In Y. Y. Kim & W. B. Gudykunst (Eds.), Theories in intercultural communication (pp. 213–235). Sage.
Ting-Toomey, S. (2017). Facework and face negotiation theory. In The International Encyclopedia of Intercultural Communication. Wiley. https://doi.org/10.1002/9781118783665.ieicc0105
Wu, M. Y. H., Huang, S. Y., Chang, J. H., et al. (2024). Undergoing acculturation: The effects of bicultural identity on the eudaimonic well-being of Chinese students in the United States. Current Psychology, 43, 7758–7771.
Zhang, Q., Ting-Toomey, S., & Oetzel, J. (2014). Linking emotion to the conflict face-negotiation theory: A US–China investigation of the mediating effects of anger, compassion, and guilt in interpersonal conflict. Human Communication Research, 40(3), 373–395.
Kimberly Tng is a clinical psychologist registered in Australia and Singapore, and founder of Ardelle Psychology. She works with high-achievers navigating perfectionism, anxiety, disordered eating, and identity struggles — with particular expertise in bicultural and Asian family dynamics.