Beyond the “Life Audit”: How Play and the Third Object Can Ease Holiday Stress

The holiday season is often described as a time to slow down, reflect, and reconnect. While this can be a season of joy and connection for some, for others it can feel threatening or dreadful.

As the year draws to a close, everyday demands don’t pause. They accumulate. Deadlines need wrapping up, gatherings must be organised, gifts planned, travel coordinated, and there is often an expectation that this period should feel meaningful or celebratory.

For those navigating burnout, anxiety, health challenges, grief, or major transitions, this end-of-year “life audit” can feel less like connection and more like exposure and vulnerability. Instead of stilling, the nervous system shifts into vigilance.

Why the Holidays Can Feel Overwhelming (Even When Things Are “Fine”)

Why the Holidays Can Trigger Stress and Emotional Overload

Holiday stress is not limited to difficult family dynamics. Many people feel depleted even in relatively supportive environments.

One common contributor is cognitive load. Coordinating meals, schedules, travel, and end-of-year work tasks requires sustained mental effort, especially after an already demanding year.

There is also the toll of prolonged social interaction. Spending extended hours engaging, responding, and being socially present can exhaust even those who usually enjoy connection.

For many, the holidays also bring a subtle pressure to reflect or perform. Questions like “How was your year?” or “What’s next for you?” can feel evaluative, particularly if you’re still figuring things out.

Add to this disrupted routines around sleep, eating, and movement — all of which help regulate the nervous system — and it becomes harder to feel grounded.

Finally, there are emotional expectations. This season is often framed as joyful or grateful. When reality doesn’t match that narrative, shame or self-criticism can quietly surface.

When the Nervous System Shifts Into Vigilance or Shutdown

Taken together, these factors can push the nervous system into states of fight-or-flight (irritability, anxiety, restlessness) or shutdown (withdrawal, numbness), even when nothing is objectively “wrong.”

For many people, this physiological response is not a sign of weakness or ingratitude. It is a natural response to cumulative demand, reduced recovery, and increased social exposure.

An Alternative Way to Connect During the Holidays

If you’re not ready to explain your year, or if you simply want to be present without constantly being “on”, there is another way to connect during the holidays.

It involves introducing what psychologists call a third object.

What Is the “Third Object” in Psychology?

In clinical psychology, a third object refers to a shared external focus that reduces the intensity of direct interpersonal engagement.

When conversation is the sole point of connection, attention often turns inward:

What should I say? How am I coming across? Am I being assessed?

For someone already feeling depleted, this self-monitoring can heighten strain.

Introducing a shared activity, like a board game, shifts attention outward. The focus moves to rules, turns, problem-solving, or play, rather than personal disclosure.

A systematic review of research from 2011–2024 concludes that board games significantly enhance emotional competence across generations by reducing depression and social isolation in older adults while fostering prosocial behaviors and emotional regulation in children (Ces et al., 2024). Board games also require joint attention, a shared focus, which has been shown to naturally increase feelings of social closeness and connection (Wolf et al., 2015)

You are no longer the subject of the conversation. You are a collaborating participant.

How Play Supports Nervous System Regulation

From a nervous system perspective, play offers something rare: gentle stimulation paired with safety.

When people play together, they naturally engage in co-regulation (subtle cues of safety conveyed through shared rhythm, laughter, and mutual attention). This helps the nervous system move out of vigilance and into a more socially engaged state.

Play supports regulation in several ways. It reduces social performance by temporarily suspending roles tied to productivity or achievement. It provides sensory grounding through tactile or visual engagement. It also encourages shared affect. These moments of anticipation, humour, or surprise do not require emotional vulnerability.

In other words, play allows connection without emotional labour.

Choosing a Game Based on What You Need

Rather than focusing on novelty or competition, it can help to choose games based on the kind of experience your nervous system is craving.

If you’re seeking lightness, look for games with simple rules and humour.

If togetherness feels important, cooperative games can create a sense of “we” rather than comparison.

If grounding is needed, tactile or visually soothing games may feel regulating.

And if conversation feels tiring, turn-based games allow for quiet companionship without pressure to fill the silence.

Board Games That Support Connection Without Pressure

Uno is a familiar, fast-paced card game that’s easy to join and easy to step away from. Its simplicity keeps cognitive load low, making it ideal for mixed-age gatherings or low-commitment play.

Jenga offers a tactile, embodied experience that draws attention into the present moment. The physical focus and inevitable tower collapse often lead to shared laughter without conversation.

Scrabble provides structure, predictability, and space for quiet concentration. Its slower pace and allowance for silence can feel soothing during busy gatherings.

Herd Mentality is a light social game that invites humour without personal disclosure, offering connection while keeping the tone playful and low-stakes.

Choosing Presence Over Performance

The end of the calendar year does not have to be a deadline for making sense of your life.

You don’t need a polished summary of your year to belong.
You don’t have to answer every question to stay connected.

By placing a game on the table, you’re offering a different kind of invitation that is grounded in the here and now.

We don’t have to talk about it. I’m here and I’d like to share this moment with you.

For many people, that kind of presence is deeply regulating.

Academic References

• Ces, A. et al. (2024). Board games and emotional competence across generations: A systematic review (2011–2024).

• Wolf, A. et al. (2015). Joint attention and social bonding: Mechanisms of shared focus and closeness.

Frequently Asked Questions

• Why do the holidays feel stressful even when my family is “fine”?

  Holiday stress isn’t only about conflict. Many people feel overwhelmed by the sheer build-up of demands—planning, spending, travel, and end-of-year deadlines—along with prolonged social interaction and fewer opportunities to rest. Even positive events can be tiring when your nervous system has had little recovery time.

• Is it normal to dread the holidays?

  It is not uncommon to feel this way. Dreading the holidays can be a sign that your nervous system associates this season with pressure, evaluation, overstimulation, or emotional expectations. It doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful. It might mean that your capacity is already stretched.

• What does “fight-or-flight” or “shutdown” look like during the holidays?

  Fight-or-flight may show up as irritability, tension, restlessness, overthinking, or feeling “on edge.” Shutdown can look like emotional numbness, withdrawing, wanting to disappear, or feeling disconnected. Both are protective nervous system responses that can happen when stress accumulates.

• What is a “third object” in psychology?

  A third object is a shared external focus, like a board game, that reduces the intensity of direct interpersonal engagement. It gives people something to do together, which can support connection without requiring constant conversation or personal disclosure.

• How can board games help with holiday stress and anxiety?

  Board games provide structure, predictability, shared focus (joint attention), and often moments of laughter or tactile grounding. These elements can support co-regulation, making it easier for the nervous system to shift into a calmer, more socially engaged state.

• What if I don’t want to talk about my year or answer personal questions?

  You’re allowed to set boundaries around what you share. One gentle option is to introduce an activity (like a game) that changes the social script. It can help you stay present without feeling pressured to perform or explain.

• Which games are best if I’m easily overwhelmed?

  If you’re prone to overstimulation, choose games with simple rules, low stakes, and a steady pace. Tactile or turn-based games can also help because they reduce conversational pressure and provide grounding through focus.

• When should I consider therapy for holiday stress?

  If the holiday season reliably triggers anxiety, dread, shutdown, or conflict, therapy can be useful. Also, if you notice your coping strategies are getting less effective, therapy can help you understand what your nervous system is responding to and build strategies that feel sustainable.